Random Avengers Headcanon Vol. 4
Dec. 16th, 2015 01:39 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
arukou----
People think Steve keeps sensible things like zip ties and flash bombs in all of his utility pouches, and he does, but he also keeps some unexpected things. Lollipops for kids who are crying because they’ve been thrust into hell by some asshole supervillain. Dog treats to tempt dogs who’ve escaped in the chaos. A couple sets of stickers because sometimes fans like them more than getting Steve’s signature. Some chewing gum because Steve just happens to like chewing gum and Tony’s always bumming pieces off of him. Hair ties for anyone who forgets one. He likes being prepared not just for disaster, but for life.
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The ice cream in the fridge keeps disappearing. Clint’s the first suspect but it’s not him. He doesn’t like ice cream headaches and cookies are more his purview. Thor’s next to be accused after that, but he has his own dedicated fridge and he understands the sacredness of one’s own food. He would never steal from his teammates. Rhodey, Sam, Bucky, Bruce, Wanda. One after another they are all accused and one after another they all take it in good humor right up until they don’t. Tony and Nat (the two who keep ice cream stashes) are stumped, and JARVIS refuses to tattle on the thief. Eventually Tony decides that Nat must be the thief and she’s fibbing about her missing stash and Nat decides the same about Tony.
…
It’s Steve. The thief is Steve.
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(In response to the idea that Steve Rogers is magically summoned anytime any one of the female Avengers is feeling down and out. One of them tries to tell him she's just on her period to get him to stop hovering, but it backfires.)
But at the same time someone (my vote is Maria Hill) tells him about all the bullshit that goes into and along with women’s sanitary products and Steve becomes outraged. He brings it up luxury taxes and toxic shock syndrome in interviews apropos of nothing and everyone on the team watches with spectator’s glee as news anchor’s faces go redder and redder. Steve once made Bill O’Reilly so embarrassed he left the room.
And then, when other teammates are asked about his behavior (in ways clearly hoping they’ll condemn Steve) they respond with other questions designed to create the ultimate FOX reporter discomfort. Tony starts in on the marginalizing of pan, ace, and bisexual identities. Bruce brings up uncomfortable statistics about how menstruation affects women who don’t have access to sanitary products, and then often goes onto statistics and facts about pregnancy, mentioning the vaginal canal as many times as humanly possible. Nat starts asking about genitalia the same way trans people are asked, and she will frequently interject about North Carolina’s ridiculous bathroom laws. Clint’s personal favorite topic is accessibility, especially for people with invisible disabilities. Sam’s brings up the lack of streamlining and communication between the VA and the military, and the dearth of support for returning veterans. Wanda’s go-to is America’s shameful views toward refugees and the lack of reparations that are made in spite of civilian casualties resultant from American actions. Thor talks about gender identities on Asgard and often gleefully veers off into societally accepted polyamory. Bucky, for whatever reason, starts asking why the hell circumcision has become the norm in the US.
After two months of madness, FOX stops inviting the Avengers in for interviews. In fact, they stop reporting on the Avengers altogether. There is permanent trauma among the anchors. Brett Baier was allegedly spotted in a bar simply repeating the words “penile mucosa,” but there’s no video evidence. (There’s totally video evidence and Tony gleefully gave it to Bucky.)
