arukou

(In response to this ask from veteratorianvillainy: How do the butts of each avenger rank against each other? What criteria determines best butt?)

Oh man. Regrettably I’m no longer loopy, but I’m gonna answer this ask anyway. I’m also going to go with MCU because comic butts have been rendered by many an artist and that would take a bit more time. (Apologies to the actors [You are all wonderful people, I’m sure] for sitting down and judging your butts. I’m sure you’ll never read this anyway.)

First, a sample size:

Let’s start with Cap:

Steve Rogers has what I like to think of as a cut butt. He’s got little dimples on either side of the cheeks where the gluteus maximus overlays the gluteus medius. This contributes to what Sam Wilson refers to as “Captain Small Ass.” A small ass, firm, good for grabbing and also good at running past fellow joggers at a million miles an hour.

Iron Man:

Tony Stark has an infamous bubble butt. His glutes are high and pleasingly rounded, and this is emphasized even more by his tendency to wear lifts. Tony claims this is resultant of the squat craze in the 90s, but whatever the cause, his bubble butt is very pleasing to look at, especially because all his clothes are tailored to show it off from every possible angle.

Thor:

Thor, I suspect, also has a cut butt. His jeans are a relaxed fit, but even so, there’s not much definition visible through the fabric. The, ahem, crease, does seem to sit rather high, however, giving us lovely back dimples and I butt that, I’m pretty sure, is a dead ringer for the Statue of David.

Hawkeye:

Clint Barton is the man with the unexpectedly pleasing butt. As you can see, both cheeks are perfectly rounded, but still nice and tight. Additionally, he fills out to the sides without having a perky butt like Tony’s. His is the quintessential peach butt.

Falcon:

Sam Wilson’s butt is surprisingly hard to find as it is frequently planking toward the sky and not toward his admirers. That being said, he has a workhorse butt. It is very solid, and looks like it could carry him for days. The overall shape is pert without being bubbly. An excellent butt.

Black Widow:

Natasha’s butt is the quintessential apple butt. Round and a little bottom heavy without being too much of any one thing. It is also a butt that is a serious contributor to her amazingly deadly thighs. Part of the power of her scissor kicks comes from her butt and she’ll never let us forget that.

The Hulk:

Bruce Banner, as arguably the most sedentary of the Avengers (when he’s not a giant rage monster), still has a very pleasing butt. As you can see above, he chooses the cuts of his pants well to show off his semi-cut butt, thus overshadowing both Barton and Stark in this photo. A lovely sitting butt.

The Winter Soldier:

Bucky Barnes butt shares qualities with Clint Barton’s butt, but it is overall a little more grounded. He, too, knows how to style to show off the best qualities of his butt, even when he’s dressing like a hobo. As you can see, his butt is full, not cut, and while it’s relatively flat, you know from his Thic Thighs™ that he can probably crack walnuts between his cheeks.

In short, the Avengers are a team of very pleasing butts and surely there’s a butt among them for everyone who might wish to appreciate a butt.